nightmares

The last couple of nights, I've been having some crazy dreams/nightmares.

The one I will never forget, I call it Taken Away. And the reason why I say it is because it was very painful even while I was awake. 

Here it goes:

" I was in the house I used to live when I was a little girl. A house located in one of the main and busiest roads of the town I used to live. I was with D and A was at school. I decided for some crazy reason that I had to leave and it was ok to leave D alone in the house. So I left and went to do the errands I needed to get done. I was gone for maybe two hours. When I got back to the house -which was under construction/remodeling- I started to look for little D. Nowhere to be found I thought I would ask a guy -one of my aunt's husband?- that was working on one of the walls, but before I said something he turned around and said to me: "Do you know where your boy is?" 

-I said:"No, I don't. Where is he?" 

-he said:" He's been taken away". 

-Me: "What!? What do you mean Taken Away?".

-He said:" He cut himself trying to open a container because he was hungry. So he had to be taken to the hospital, and he is now under the Human Resources Department custody.

My heart dropped and I could not believe what he was saying. I started going on about how impossible that could be and began to cry desperately. I began to imagine how my life would be without him and what a big mistake I had done by leaving him alone (something I would NEVER do). I cried my heart out.

I was crying so hard and so painful that Joe had to wake me up. I don't how long it took me to wake up and react. But even awake, I could feel the intense pain in my heart. I felt so real even awake. I continued to cry because I couldn't calm myself down. I got up and went to the bathroom and washed my face. Then, I went over to the boys room and continue to cry. In D's sleep I told him how much I love him and how thankful I was to have him in my life, and that I would never ever do anything like that. I did the same with A. 

I kissed them both so hard and the tears kept coming down of emotion. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and went back to the room. Joe asked what had happened and I told him about it while crying once again. It was SO PAINFUL even though I knew it had been a nightmare. Once again, it felt to real and I realized that if someone ever asked me what would be my worst nightmare? That would be it. Have my children taken away from me. I felt like part of my heart was being ripped out! 

I tried not to close my eyes again because I didn't want to go back to the same nightmare -like it usually happens-. I fought sleep and tried to stay awake because honestly, I was scared to feel like that again. It was too painful. But tiredness won and fell back asleep. No, thankfully, I didn't go back to the nightmare. 

The next day, I felt exhausted and talked to Joe about it. He said that having our children taken away would be the last thing it would happened to us. And I believe him. We are good parents. We love our children immensely, and we will protect them and love them always.